I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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