Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
