Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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