So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
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