After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
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