i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
