I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Randomize
