I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
