should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
