the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
