I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Less talking, more tequila
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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