I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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