Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
