He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
