There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
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If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
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Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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