don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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