What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
