there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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