I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
