enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
