the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You took a bar mat shot.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
