how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Randomize
