Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
