I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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