If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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