Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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