Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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