Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
