I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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