Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
