im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
