Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I wish they made helmets for livers.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
