I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
he just fucked me for my cheese.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
