On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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