What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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