the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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