my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
