I wish I only lived at night.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
