found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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