"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!