I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
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I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
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I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait