I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS