Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.