im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
