Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
