Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
