If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
