i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i just made my gag reflex go away.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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