none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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