im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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