dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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