Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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