I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
