If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
