I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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