Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
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