His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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