I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
