Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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