I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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