im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
