god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
