I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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