My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Randomize
